After a talk..

I am a little tired now, but I think I want to pen this down.

I noticed D is a little different lately. Today, he even tried to provoke me. Not that I’m not used to being provoked, but today was just a little different. He makes me feel that he needs help in some sense.

At the end of the lesson, just when everyone was leaving, he took his time packing..
Me : Hey.. What’s your plan?
D (answering half-heartedly) : I got no plan.
Me : Mm.. Rushing for the next lesson?
D : No.. Now is break.

I took that as a signal that we could carry on with the conversation and we did.

D skipped almost the entire Term 1 Block Test, after being told off by one of the teachers about his long hair during his first paper.

He was awarded a big-fat-zero for all the papers he missed. Oh well, he doesn’t bother at all.
He doesn’t like the system here (in the country, not particularly in the college).
He doesn’t want to be like everyone doing the same thing.
“Why is everyone keep telling me the same thing? Telling me to study. Telling me to go to school. I just don’t want to be like everyone.”

He feels like challenging the system. In fact, he did so ever since Primary 4. And once, he nearly got a lawyer letter from … heh… just to let you know how serious he could be.

He likes to spike everyone. He likes to spike every teacher and even our VP. He told the VP, he doesn’t need the college to be proud of him. And in the midst of the conversation with VP, he can simply blurt out.. “I don’t like you”. Of course, that only sent the VP jumping, I guess.

He likes to see the figures in authority turning somewhat speechless. All these… just because he doesn’t like the system, in the first place.

But he said to me that I am “no fun one, always smiling”, for his intention was to spike me. Because I have my way to turn his spikes and re-direct them back at him and poke fun at him, making the whole class laugh. The situation often sets that he can only laugh together with them. All these while, I know he can be rude, but he doesn’t know he is. He simply lacks tact and refuses to just conform. Okay, I got to admit, I am not being too helpful this way either.

He doesn’t want to be here anymore. He dreams to be at the States, where freedom is believed and truly practiced (according to him). But he doesn’t get the blessing from his parents in this area. Again, just how much he understands about the system there? He admitted, his understanding is merely through readings.

So, now at home, he can’t concentrate enough to do his work (he will end up scribbling on his assignments); in college, he can’t concentrate enough to stay alert during lessons (he will doze off too frequently).

He doesn’t see the need to prove to anyone about his ability. He just wants to be true to himself, speaking his mind willingly. He said, “when I am not agreeable with something, I will speak up one lor.” But he often does so in such a blunt way. His style only lands him in more trouble.

In general, he doesn’t feel good to be trapped here so unwillingly. In fact, he said he feels drained mentally. He wants to leave, but doesn’t have the means. What a miserable feeling, he must be going through. There must be some forms of internal struggle as he said, “I hope I can meet someone to impact me. But no leh, they always say the same thing.”

Wa.. How to impact him and turn him around? How to at least make him feel more focused, more directed and erm.. just happier? I have no idea, besides the occasional chats that we could share. I couldn’t really bear to see a promising youth “wasting away” day by day right before my eyes.

A bell rang.
Erps.. I had unintentionally used up his entire lunch break. Paiseh man, although he said nevermind. But he didn’t feel the need to rush to the next lesson. I know he had to go to attend another lesson he didn’t feel like attending. I can only give him a standard advice “Come on. Don’t be late. Catch up with you again soon.”

He has hopes..
Is the environment restricting him? Or is he restricted by his own mentality?

Mm.. Wish him well.

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有一位圣者这么说：

仙佛与凡夫有什么差别？

仙佛能够解脱情欲之轮回。
凡夫未能脱离罪恶之苦狱。

仙佛有济世之功，化人之德，功德多，罪过少。
凡夫有利己之贪，损人之恶，多罪过，少功德。

仙佛与凡夫，天堂与地狱。
是一门之距，一板之隔，
一旦开不了这门这板，则成天渊之别。