Right Shoulder “Verdict”

Interpreting a series of the MRI scan of my right shoulder recently …

There is a comminuted fracture at the anatomical neck of the right humerus. Separate fracture fragments are identified at the greater tuberosity. These are associated with prominent hyperintense bone oedema on IR scans.

The inferior gleno-humeral ligament is thickened. Suggestion of disruptions at the cartiliginuous labrum, anteriorly and posteriorly at their mid-portions.

A joint effusion is evident, located in the axillary pouch. A couple more lobulated fluid collections are observed adjacent to it, inferior to the scapula neck, suggestion paralababral ganglion. In addition, there is a sliver of fluid in the subacromial-subdeltoid bursa.

. . . . and so on . . .

- - - - - - -

The doctor gave his advice in a rather personal tone : If this is my shoulder, I would … go for an operation to get it fixed.

Kaoz.. I don’t like the word “operation”.

He proceeded on with the details of how it would be done in surgical terms.

Of course, he elaborated that I could opt to let it heal naturally, which will take much longer and not without ill effects (which frankly speaking, I must agree with him because I’m already experiencing those effects a little bit).

I opted in, although I don’t like it. I got to face it. Ha.. I can’t wait to get it healed fast enough so that I can .. erm… do whatever in full might again. :o)

So, soon enough I shall get myself cut and fixed. With the advancement of technologies, I was told it is going to be just two small openings, cut and sealed within 2 hours while I am forced-to-sleep.

Strange. I am actually looking forward to it, although I don’t like it. Why? I think it’s because I am looking forward to my full recovery much much more. If the surgical procedure is a hurdle I got to clear first (before my full recovery), I guess I got to clear it willingly and happily. :o)

~ ~ Leaping with Joy ~ ~

I hope to be able to leap with joy with all limps swinging freely too.

So Doc, I am leaving it to you.

Interestingly, I was later referred to a Pre-Admission Counselling & Evaluation section. And this is the place more scary than the operation theatre. This is the place I was told that my surgical procedure will cost approximately $10680 (and it will cost more if I were to be warded immediately after it). *Faint*

What are the means to gather such fund in general?

A conversation with someone yesterday crossed my mind.
Someone : Nanzi, your room phone number, last 4 numbers, come out first prize leh.
Me : Wa.. Really? Good man!
Someone : How much you win?
Me : My winning? Erm.. As much as my stake.
Someone : Huh? What you talking?
Me : Oh. My stake = $0. My winning = $0. So My winning equals my stake lor.

Hahaha ..

Okay, come back to the main topic. Hospital bills are worryingly high in general. I also don’t know what to say. You see insurances important or not?!

Different, but not weird...

I saw Da pretty much in a daze. Maybe he was just disinterested in doing anything, but he still tried. At least he was there when his class is supposed to be there to prepare for a college event.

But just after we acknowledged each other presence…

Da was saying : My CT wants to counsel me, Ms A wants to counsel me, Mr G wants to council me, the school counsellor wants to counsel me, and so on. You also want to counsel me?

Not that he is looking forward to listen to me and think I can be a better counsellor, but he knows one more is not going to make a difference but may make the picture complete (complete as in all his teachers want to counsel him).

He was also commenting : Actually, I also know what they will be saying. What they will be saying is always so standard. Always must like this and always must like that. They think they are experienced and can understand people or me very well. But the fact is they don’t, not at all.


"Sometimes our light goes out, but is blown again into flame by an encounter with another human being"


Mm… We were told that teachers are front-line counsellors. Maybe that’s why all his teachers want to counsel him. But we were not really well-trained enough. Okay, to put it more fairly, we were given a 9-hour training programme spread over 3 weeks. Does that make us a counsellor? Oh well, a little bit of awareness, better than none, we may argue.

Also, maybe more so-called training can only make us produce more so-called “standard answers”? Haha.. In the line of counselling, besides training, I think we need something much much more. What’s that “something”? You decide.

- - - - -

Frankly speaking, just like Da, at the back of my mind, I think I also know what his CT, Ms A, Mr G, the school counsellor and so on would be saying to Da. What they would be saying will be for the own good of Da I’m sure, but sadly, not what Da wants at the moment.

But as it is now, those sessions (and more promised coming the way) only makes Da a little frustrated to the point of him saying to himself : Maybe I’m just weird.

Da is different, I got to admit, but not weird.
What can I do? Mm…

Oh well, I got to learn to be more optimistic and learn to trust them more lah. In actual case, they are really much more experienced than I am. And any form of recovery takes time.


我能做的只是那么少
难免有时会感到渺小

希望能急速看到成效
究竟我还能如何出招
还是该处于自然就好

- - - - - - - - - -



有一位圣者这么说：

看到别人，应想到自己；
顾及自己，更要推及别人。

与人相处，要学吃亏，肯忍耐，
要睁一眼闭一眼，才能和睦。

凡是与人无争，多退让，自然心安理得。

Paper too tough?

~ ~ Taking Examination ~ ~

No one likes a tough paper.
Maybe everyone likes an easy paper where everyone scores.
Even when we know we didn't prepare well enough before the paper, even when we know we didn't do quite well during the paper, we still hope for a miracle-good grade. When ... if indeed we really get the grade we prayed for finally, we feel happy and even feel we can be so good (although we suspect we may fail initially). Haha..
Just what is the value of a good grade (in some institutions)?

- - - - -

Met *little-pal C along the walk way. In our conversation, she commented, “When got paper tough until can kill people one?”

I don't think she is being arrogant.
In her view, if we study (by studying, she also mean to understand), we can definitely (at least pass if not) score.

You agree with her?
However, we do meet a lot of situation whereby many *little pals swear that they did study very hard, but … their results are still .. erm… pretty undesirable.

By “studying”, do they mean “purely memorising”, and getting ready to “regurgitate”?
Mm… If so, it wouldn’t work. Or if it does work (occasionally), but I’m rather certain we can’t go very far in this way.

“Understanding” must play a bigger part. I quite like the saying : Studying is not how much we put into it, it’s how much we get out of it. So, harshly speaking, it’s almost pointless to tell anyone just how hard we study (just to prove something, ending up proving “another thing”). It will be most meaningful to tell anyone just how much we have learnt and willing to share the learning.

I think, there is another area of concern : Aptitude.
I simply lack the aptitude to do Art, English Literature, History, Economics, Politics, …
I simply lack the heart. How to memorise? Ha.. How to even proceed to the next level : understanding?
I understand myself enough to do what I think I’m reasonably okay with and steer away from those incomprehensible subjects, so that people don’t know how stupid I am. Haha..

You?

Oh well, oh well…
When I’m about to end this entry, another thought crossed my mind.
I see that there are quite many people studying things they don’t like in the first place, forced by circumstances. Mm..
Must be tough for them.
Wish them well.

- - - - - - - - - -

問 : 白貓 + 黑貓會生下什麼顏色的貓?

答案 : 一隻黑貓 . 一隻白貓 . 一隻灰色貓

After a talk..

I am a little tired now, but I think I want to pen this down.

I noticed D is a little different lately. Today, he even tried to provoke me. Not that I’m not used to being provoked, but today was just a little different. He makes me feel that he needs help in some sense.

At the end of the lesson, just when everyone was leaving, he took his time packing..
Me : Hey.. What’s your plan?
D (answering half-heartedly) : I got no plan.
Me : Mm.. Rushing for the next lesson?
D : No.. Now is break.

I took that as a signal that we could carry on with the conversation and we did.

D skipped almost the entire Term 1 Block Test, after being told off by one of the teachers about his long hair during his first paper.

He was awarded a big-fat-zero for all the papers he missed. Oh well, he doesn’t bother at all.
He doesn’t like the system here (in the country, not particularly in the college).
He doesn’t want to be like everyone doing the same thing.
“Why is everyone keep telling me the same thing? Telling me to study. Telling me to go to school. I just don’t want to be like everyone.”

He feels like challenging the system. In fact, he did so ever since Primary 4. And once, he nearly got a lawyer letter from … heh… just to let you know how serious he could be.

He likes to spike everyone. He likes to spike every teacher and even our VP. He told the VP, he doesn’t need the college to be proud of him. And in the midst of the conversation with VP, he can simply blurt out.. “I don’t like you”. Of course, that only sent the VP jumping, I guess.

He likes to see the figures in authority turning somewhat speechless. All these… just because he doesn’t like the system, in the first place.

But he said to me that I am “no fun one, always smiling”, for his intention was to spike me. Because I have my way to turn his spikes and re-direct them back at him and poke fun at him, making the whole class laugh. The situation often sets that he can only laugh together with them. All these while, I know he can be rude, but he doesn’t know he is. He simply lacks tact and refuses to just conform. Okay, I got to admit, I am not being too helpful this way either.

He doesn’t want to be here anymore. He dreams to be at the States, where freedom is believed and truly practiced (according to him). But he doesn’t get the blessing from his parents in this area. Again, just how much he understands about the system there? He admitted, his understanding is merely through readings.

So, now at home, he can’t concentrate enough to do his work (he will end up scribbling on his assignments); in college, he can’t concentrate enough to stay alert during lessons (he will doze off too frequently).

He doesn’t see the need to prove to anyone about his ability. He just wants to be true to himself, speaking his mind willingly. He said, “when I am not agreeable with something, I will speak up one lor.” But he often does so in such a blunt way. His style only lands him in more trouble.

In general, he doesn’t feel good to be trapped here so unwillingly. In fact, he said he feels drained mentally. He wants to leave, but doesn’t have the means. What a miserable feeling, he must be going through. There must be some forms of internal struggle as he said, “I hope I can meet someone to impact me. But no leh, they always say the same thing.”

Wa.. How to impact him and turn him around? How to at least make him feel more focused, more directed and erm.. just happier? I have no idea, besides the occasional chats that we could share. I couldn’t really bear to see a promising youth “wasting away” day by day right before my eyes.

A bell rang.
Erps.. I had unintentionally used up his entire lunch break. Paiseh man, although he said nevermind. But he didn’t feel the need to rush to the next lesson. I know he had to go to attend another lesson he didn’t feel like attending. I can only give him a standard advice “Come on. Don’t be late. Catch up with you again soon.”

He has hopes..
Is the environment restricting him? Or is he restricted by his own mentality?

Mm.. Wish him well.

- - - - - - - - - -



有一位圣者这么说：

仙佛与凡夫有什么差别？

仙佛能够解脱情欲之轮回。
凡夫未能脱离罪恶之苦狱。

仙佛有济世之功，化人之德，功德多，罪过少。
凡夫有利己之贪，损人之恶，多罪过，少功德。

仙佛与凡夫，天堂与地狱。
是一门之距，一板之隔，
一旦开不了这门这板，则成天渊之别。

Feeling like a little gaint…

I have not entered a Primary School for so so many years. Today, an opportunity struck and I found myself in one of the neighbourly neigbourhood Primary Schools.

I like the vibrant colours there. Mm… Maybe the colours at my workplace are just a little too dull?

So many little kids. Oh, and they will even come to you and greet you properly when your path cross theirs. Mm… At my workplace? Some colleagues commented that they feel quite transparent or “glassy” at times. Haha..

The “ladies” is called “girls” ; the “gents” is called “boys”.
I entered the “boys” (too urgent liao, no time to explore where the “gents” is), only to notice the urinals are slightly lower than knee level, the toilet bowls appears smaller and lower too. The washing basins leh? I got to bend down significantly to wash my hands. And the funny thing was… When I stood up straight to check my bearing in the mirror, I can only see the lower half of my face and downwards. In other words, I can only see my mouth and downwards, I cannot see my nose and eyes and my forehead. See.. I am a little giant there. :P

或许，
就是那一片童真的气氛吸引了我。

- - - - - - - - - -



On her first day of an English class…

Teacher : What is the difference between “ignorance” and “indifferent”?

Unknowingly, Teacher picked on one student, the worst in class…

Student : I don’t know and I don’t care.

Teacher : Correct!

Like to see their smiles..

In the beginning of a lesson, after the class had greeted me, I asked the entire class to remain standing. They were a little stunned, half-expecting some sort of tongue-lashing, I guess. Ha.. Nay.. Not this time.

It was almost immediately after a major test and I asked the class to predict their results even before they got back their papers. Those who think they can pass may take a seat and those who think they are not going to make it shall remain standing.

Almost all were standing, except 4. But actually about half of the class passed the test. Poor prediction. Mm..

I then asked everyone to sit down and I returned their scripts one by one right in front of them, at the same time expressing how badly they had predicted their results.

The interesting part came when I was near Jm and she was one of those standing earlier on. She was amongst the first few I approached. I noticed she was a little tensed up. So… I decided to…

Me (in a rather fake puzzled tone) :
“Jm, Aiyo… why you need to be standing just now?”

To this, she gave out a heave of relief. In fact, the rest of her classmates were looking at her with a bit of admiration.

I looked at her scripts and paused for a while. Everyone and especially Jm were waiting eagerly for me to announce her good results. Then I added, “Mm… But you are right. You should be standing. You did not pass.”

The whole class roared into laughters.
You may think I was a litte “evil”.
Haha.. But most importantly, she was laughing together with them, she was no longer so tensed up, she could then face her little set-back with a smile.

I hope she could stand up and brave through this year with style. I know she can make it.

- - - - - -

St appeared a little teary when he learnt about his results. He proclaimed to me (with all his classmates as witnesses), “Mr Nanzi, Term 2, you shall see. I will definitely make a come back.”

I playfully commented (loud enough for everyone to hear) :
Come back? Come back for what? Come back for the chocolate* ah?

To this, the class burst into laughters again. Most importantly, St was sitting there, a little stunned at first because of my comment, but recovered quickly and he was also smiling very broadly.

His eyes were no longer that teary. I can sense his fighting spirit getting even stronger.

* I gave the top scorer of the class a bar of chocolate. St was commenting loudly how come he didn’t get one since he is the top scorer (for the class and most probably also for the entire cohort) in another subject - Chemistry.

- - - - - -

Eu voluntarily came to me trying to explain his poor academic performance recently. He related what he had done during his holiday and how he had “wasted” most of his time in daze and not working on his academic stuff at all.

He was rather concerned and very confused what of he wanted to be in the future. This “confusion” was/is enough for him to think and think and not doing anything about it.

He asked me for advice.
Wa.. My immediate worry was that he must be feeling really lost enough to seek advice even from silly me. And erm.. I am never good at this kind of thing. I tried anyway.

I have forgotten what I had said or shared.

But it just felt/feels good to see him walking away wearing a smile.

I shall see what I can do to at least let him find back the energy he once possessed to move on.

Deep within me, I somehow feel he will be one of my top scorers. I shall witness that in the near future to come.

- - - -

When the lesson ends, I saw Jn meddling with the visualizer while I was talking to Eu. I only saw his side-view. I was a little shocked, I got to admit.

How come his side-view is so much like Lj (another ex-*little pal)?

Ha.. I was/am probably thinking too much already.

I was walking away from the lesson with a smile too.

- - - - - - -

Of course, I dearly hope they also took away some learning during the lesson.
It’s just the beginning of a year…
We all still have quite a journey to walk together towards blah blah blah..

Styles of Dating..

Yesterday, I walked into a store and was looking out for one of my favourite items.
Spotted it.
Happy.
And I picked few up quite a few of them. Oh, I remembered we must always look at the expiry date and so I did.

Oh dear …

It read “Best Before 12 01 2008”.

Me (to the store attendant) : 小姐，这个好像是过期了。

I wasn’t hostile and I was using my nicest of tone. I decided to tell them so that they could remove the items and perhaps can avoid a possible food-scare.

I actually stirred up quite a bit of panic.

The lady I’d spoken to, ran to the lady boss. Obviously, the lady boss was more into account than inventory. She had only the slightest idea about what was going on in the store. But she was concerned and she went to the gentleman boss immediately. The gentleman boss was concerned but tried to defend by saying : “It is impossible. These goods just arrived yesterday.”

He looked at the item and was very puzzled. The item looked new, but the printed expiry date only suggested otherwise. The lady boss was also suggesting to him “please give them a call and find out”.

When all seemed set that I had done a “good deed”……
The gentleman boss picked up another item of the same brand (that is to say, also from the same company, same origin, but just different product), the expiry date read “Best Before 05 27 2008”.

Argg…
The confusion is just due to the different styles of dating.

American : mm/dd/yy
British (okay lah, the way we are more used to) : dd/mm/yy

I caused an unnecessary panic. Haha…

Paiseh man.
Nevertheless, they still thanked me (a little too much). :$
I was also given 10% discount on the items bought. ;o)

I think I am lucky to bring out the issue in my nicest of tone.
I think it is only good to be polite at any (no matter how unpleasant) situation.
Just imagine if I were to adopt an accusative tone in the beginning!

- - - - -

Were you surprised to learn that I was going to write about the styles of dating?
Haha.. But I guess you are a little disappointed. It wasn’t the kind of "dating" you have in mind. :P
Spare me. I'm just weak at those mushy mushy thingy. Haha..

- - - - - - - - - - -

Out of Reach..

I walked into the registration area of MRI Suite. I wasn’t alone and so I have to wait. During the waiting, I overheard a conversation between an old man and the lady doing the registration.

Conversation translated from Hokkien.

Lady R : An Pek, you must come back on xx Jan at xxxxh.

Ah Pek (only looked at her and let out a sound) : mm…

Lady R : Ah Pek, do you hear me clearly? You must come back on xx Jan at xxxxh. You must do the scan first. If not cannot see the doctor. Ok?

Ah Pek : I hear you clearly. Can you please help me to write the date down.

Lady R : Oh, it’s already written here. On xx Jan, bring this registration card here also. The payment for the scan would be $470+.

Ah Pek (noticeably hesitated long enough) : 有钱才来。没有钱怎么来。
He was almost talking to himself.
But Ah Pek added : 你说对吗？

Lady R : You can tell your son. Must come punctually on the day. And bring along the payment. You can tell your son. Ok?

Ah Pek (almost talking to himself again) : 有钱才来。没有钱怎么来。没有钱也要看怎么借到。好吧。

Ah Pek added : Can someone lead me out. I don’t know how to get out of here.

- - - - - -

It was just a simple conversation I overheard. But it left a bitter-sour after-taste in me.
MRI is only the first step.
What about the follow-up treatments and/or therapies?
Why is he alone?
How can he cope with his medical expenses?

MRI Scan is indeed rather expensive.
$470+ quoted is actually the subsidized rate.
The non-subsidized rate is $720+.
Another person before me had to scan two areas, the rate quoted for him is above $1000 (I have no idea whether the quote is subsidized or not).

Mm..
While there may be many medical subsides, I think certain treatments may still be rather out of reach for some people.

- - - - - -

身无病痛简直就是莫大的幸福！

Feeling like a <晴天娃娃>

Someone was commenting about.. blah blah blah..
And then she questioned, “你以为你是晴天娃娃啊？”

晴天娃娃 : 一种悬挂在屋檐上祈求晴天的布偶。

I was thinking about my simple Pulau Pangkor trip.
The sun was there when we need it. Mm.. Or rather the weather is always fine enough for whatever we planned despite a forecast of rains and thunderstorms.

I was thinking about the recent pretty erratic weather.
I was often out, but without umbrella.
I never got wet.
It may rain when I’m indoor, when I am travelling in my car…
But it always stop timely enough for me to hop off from one point to another without the need of an umbrella.

Just today.
I saw many disappointed faces, because they were all just prepared and all geared up for a good tennis game. But it started raining when they were about to get out of the office.
The rain seemed to get stronger and stronger.
Not long after, I was preparing to go home. I need to get back to wash up before I make my routine-visit to the Chinese Physician.
When I stepped down to the foyer, the rain stopped. It started raining again when I reached home.
I took a quick shower, took a little break and was ready to set off for the medical appointment. The rain stopped again. Wa..

How? Ha.. I really feel like a 晴天娃娃, especially today.

So when you need 晴天, hang me out. :o)

- - - - - - - - -

A little bit more about the injury-related..

Using my left hand to lift my right hand and place it just in front of the keyboard, I type with both hands…

I got a new image : A crew-cut man with a blue arm sling.

So they like to ask : What happen?

I like to answer (especially to the *little-pals) : I fought. But don’t you worry. I won. The other guy injured until more jialut. I tell you, his whole body wrapped up.

I was joking with them, of course.
It is funny to see how their eyes opened widely in disbelief before bursting in laughters. ;o)
When I’m already in this situation, I choose not to gloom over it. Haha..

I commented to the Chinese physician : I think the situation is getting worse. Look at the big dark blue-black patches around the injury region.

The Chinese physician replied : This is very good. 这表示里面的淤血扩散出来。这是好现象。

I can’t deny that despite the new appearing horrible dark blue-black patches, I feel better. So blue-black is not necessarily a bad thing. ;o)

They still question : You still drive?

I replied in a cheeky manner : Erm.. Yes, of course. why not?

I know they asked/questioned out of good will. They can’t imagine driving with only one hand, and with the non-master hand some more.
I also asked myself : Am I endangering others?
If only with my left hand,
- I have to conquer at least 4 levels of multi-storey car park a few times..
- I can do right-,left-,u-turns almost subconsciously..
- I realised I can also do 3-point turn effortlessly..
I think I am managing well enough.
Ha.. So F and H are more relief that I’m indeed managing well enough when I drove them out for lunch the other day. :o)
I have to admit, quite a different set of skills are involved during steering with only my left hand. I didn’t know I got them, until I need them.
Okay, I will be more careful still.


Right hand is already tired, let it rest. I shall continue to type using my left hand…


The funniest words of advice would be : Nanzi, you must understand something. Certain things are not suitable for certain people. Leave the more active sports for the younger ones. We should be participating in milder activities. We cannot go against nature. Now, you see lah.

This piece of advice is from an aunty-level colleague mah.
She is also rather comical lor.

The *little-pals asked : Huh… Cham lah. You right-handed right? So are you still our tutor?

Yes, the right hand needs rest, and only rest.
Writing on paper is still possible, if I were to use my left hand to lift my right hand and place it near where anything needs to be written.
Writing on white board is impossible.
Then how?
I wrote in left hand instead.
They never complain about the kindergarten-level-like hand-writing. Haha..
I think it’s still pretty legible hor. I may have to work on the neatness and a bit more on the speed though.
In conclusion : I am still their tutor.

- - - - - -

After 1 week, the weird sensation is still there (of course), and the power of my right hand has only regained by a teeny-weeny fraction. Oh well.. Some cases took months to recuperate.

Day by day, I am getting used to it, getting used to using my left hand for anything and everything. Ha.. Really looking forward to the days where both my left and right hands can combine-force again. :o)

- - - - - - - - -

~ ~ I'd Rather Hold It ~ ~